REVIEW: Fortress: Sniper’s Eye - Stars Bruce Willis, Chad Michael Murray and Jesse Metcalfe

Review By Jon Donnis

It wasn't that long ago that I reviewed Fortress. And when I saw this new release, I thought it was the same film, just with a slightly different name for a new market, but then I realised it is actually the sequel! Yes the sequel that no one asked for, but we have it, so thought I would take a look.

In the past I have been quite harsh on Bruce Willis for churning out an endless stream of straight to digital, low budget films, that he hardly appears in, but with his diagnosis of aphasia, (brain issues), I now can understand why he did these films, which for him meant little time actually filming, but also making a living. In fact I already have another Bruce Willis film queued up to watch and review, and I believe after that there is still another 6 Bruce Willis films ready to be released!

With Fortress: Sniper's Eye now confirmed to be the second film in a trilogy, let's quickly remind ourselves of what happened in the first film. Bruce Willis stars as Robert Michaels, a retired CIA agent who lives in a secret retirement village in the middle of the woods. His estranged son Paul, played by Jesse Metcalfe decides to come to the village to visit his father, straight away Paul realises things are a bit strange as the retirement village is surrounded by high security, fences and guards. Fast forward a few weeks, and we are now in the new film's timeline. 

Robert (Bruce Willis) makes a daring rescue to save Sasha, the widow of the bad guy from the first film played by Balzary (Chad Michael Murray). Sasha seems to be grateful for being rescued, but before you know it, the "Fortress" is back under attack. Bruce Willis was shot in the rescue, so seems to stay in a bed for most of the film. And we have shoot outs, escapes, and the usual action you would expect.

There are a few flashbacks to scenes from the first film to help you remember who is who and how we got here.

The Good

I do think this film is better than the first, being released so close together, helps keep everything in your mind if you saw the first film, they get to the action much quicker, and despite the low budget, everything looks decent and at about 90 minutes, it is the perfect runtime.

The Bad

It's low budget and Bruce Willis is hardly in it.

Overall

If you liked the first film, you will like this. Like the first film it isn't going to set the world alight, they do a decent job with a low budget.

With the limitations in mind, I score Fortress: Sniper's Eye a fair 7.5/10

Out now on Digital, and on DVD/Bluray shortly - Fortress: Sniper’s Eye

REVIEW: The Bezonians (2022) - Starring Andreas Karras, Savvas D. Michael and Vinnie Jones

Review by Jon Donnis

A film about Greek Cypriots in London? Why yes, I would be happy to review! Since I am Greek Cypriot and I grew up in London, I consider myself something of an expert on the genre.

The Bezonians is the name of a social club of sorts in London, run by a character called Plato (played by Andreas Karras), where various generations of Cypriot immigrants come to socialise and gamble away their hard-earned wages, as well as drink and party deep into the night.

We meet a mixture of characters, the super cool Achilles (Savvas D. Michael), the tough guy Costas (Peter Polycarpou), Mavro Mike (Chris Tummings) and Anthony (Jamie Crew), most days it is just about a bit of weed dealing, partying with girls, and gambling, but one night Plato gets goaded into a game of poker with Lola (Lois Brabin-Platt), but she is a hawk, and wins big, and if Plato doesn't pay up the £50,000 he loses, then her boyfriend Willard Greb (Vinnie Jones) will come to collect.

The film is pretty much half over by the time Lola comes into it, and by then we have got to know and enjoy a lot of the characters of the club. But this is important, as it will be up to these characters to find the money to help Plato and save their social club.

It is rare that a film introduces a major plot point so late into a film, but by doing it this way, you already have a real affinity with the characters, you know their backstories, and that makes you care even more.

Every actor in the film really puts in a good showing, everyone is at the top of their game, and even the little stand alone scenes really fit well within the context of the whole film.

Now, I will say that as a Greek Cypriot I wish we had more of the culture, there are bits here and there, but there are things missing, and that is partly down I expect to the fact not all of the cast are Greek Cypriot. For example, if you spend 5 minutes with a Greek, you will hear the word "Malaka" about 20 times. You will also hear "re", and "ep". These are just little things. And then there is the London accent, many of the characters sounded like just typical Londoners, but Greek Cypriots in London have a very specific accent, and I hardly heard it in the film. And I think when you have a film where the culture and ethnic background of the main characters are one of the focus points, you have to have a certain amount of authenticity in there. Now I don't mean stereotypes, but you need  that little bit extra. The two old guys playing backgammon in the corner with Ouzo or Raki, just little touches like that really make the difference, and I do think this film misses a few of these things that only a Greek Cypriot might notice. 

One thing that Greek Cypriots do is have different accepts depending on who they are talking to. If you are British born, but you are talking to a Cyprus born person, and you are talking in English, then you tend to use Greek grammar, and pronounce certain words differently, it is hard to explain, it is not quite "Greeklish" but it is along those lines, it is a type of comedy that I have never seen used in any film or TV show with Greeks. It is very strange to non-Greeks so when showing it to a non-Greek audience it would be funny.

With that said, no one else will even think of any of that, so does it really matter?

The Good

Really well directed, with great likeable characters from top to bottom. A fun story, with plenty of great set pieces.

The Bad

I felt in needed to be more Greek Cypriot. I swear I only saw one Komboloi the entire film? I literally saw 3 sets today alone visiting my Dad.

Overall

Although slightly advertised as a London Gangster film, I didn't really see it like that. It was just an enjoyable 90 minutes, of great characters and great storytelling. We need more films featuring Greeks and Greek Cypriots, we have one of if not the richest culture in history, we have the best real-life characters, the best language, the best food. We need more.

I loved The Bezonians and I score it a very strong 9/10. But to get that elusive 10/10 I need perfection. And a film with Greeks and no one says "ep Apagorevete"?, Come on man!

The Bezonians on DVD and digital from 2 May (101 Films).

Pre-Order at https://amzn.to/3JS790g

REVIEW: Echoes of the Past Starring Max Von Sydow

Review by Jon Donnis

There have been countless films made about "The Holocaust", but not so many films made about the genocides of other ethnic groups. On December 13, 1943 there was such a genocide, one you will probably never have heard of if you live outside of Greece. 

Σφαγή των Καλαβρύτων (The Kalavryta Holocaust) and the massacre by Nazi troops is a dark day in the history of a great country.

Echoes of the Past tells two fictional stories side by side, but based on a very real historic event, a modern story about the Greek Government launching a claim against Germany for reparations and the story of Nikolas Andreou (played by Max von Sydow in the Modern era), as a child he managed to escape the massacre, and now is on his final days on this earth, haunted by the horrors he witnessed and escaped from.

Caroline Martin (Astrid Roos) is a Berlin lawyer hired by the German Government to investigate the claim by the Greeks. The fear from the German government being that if they were to pay Greece reparations, it would open the door to many other countries of whom they massacred citizens. Her job is to travel to Greece and find anything that can undermine the case for reparations. 

Through flashbacks to Nikolas' youth the story of the occupation and genocide is told. And when Caroline tracks down adult Nikolas, the film takes a long hard look at the painful memories, and how Caroline has to deal with the truth.

Max von Sydow who died in March 2020 is excellent in his final ever role. A powerful performance drags the viewer into the film, and although tough to watch at times, due to the subject matter, it will leave a lasting effect on your psyche.

There is a very powerful moment in the film when Caroline Martin visits the very real Museum of the Kalavrytan genocide. We see photos of the victims and the background you hear voices of the murdered, it is a moment that will bring you to tears because it is so real.

The Good

A truly powerful film, that anyone with an interest in history should watch. There are so many stories like this of real events that never get told, and although this is a fictional story, it is based on events that are very real.

The Bad

In the flashbacks, the Greeks are speaking in Greek, yet the Germans are speaking in English. I understand why they did this, as they want to appeal to the English speaking audience, but if we can read subtitles for the Greek bits, then the German bits shouldn't be a problem either.

Overall

Have I used the word Powerful yet? A very well-made film, which did huge numbers when released in Greece, because for the Greek people these historical events are still so painful, and the fact that their stories are rarely told, so when one is told it means so much in raising awareness. I can only hope this film encourages other filmmakers to cover other historical events.

I score Echoes of the Past a strong 8/10

Out now on Digital and VoD 

Watch on Amazon https://amzn.to/3I7sfGQ

Watch on Apple TV

REVIEW: Uncharted (2022) - Starring Tom Holland, Mark Wahlberg, Sophia Ali, Tati Gabrielle & Antonio Banderas

Review by Jon Donnis

As the big Hollywood blockbusters are coming thick and fast, the latest one is Uncharted, based on the Uncharted video games made by Naughty Dog.

I have played a few of the games, so was interested to see if the film matched up.

Tom Holland stars as Nathan Drake, the lead character from the video games. Mark Wahlberg plays Victor Sullivan, with Sophia Ali, Tati Gabrielle, and Antonio Banderas in supporting roles

The film starts with Brothers Sam and Nathan "Nate" Drake as they are caught by museum security trying to steal the first map made after the Magellan expedition. Sam is kicked out of their shared orphanage,  but before he leaves, Sam promises to return to Nate, and gives him a ring with the inscription "Sic Parvis Magna".

Fast forward 15 years and Nate is working as a bartender in NYC, he is an expert pickpocket and helps himself to wallets from the well-off guests.

Victor Sullivan is a fortune hunter, and he approaches Nate, he explains that he worked with his brother Sam tracking treasure that was hidden by the Magellan crew, he explains that Sam went missing after helping him steal Juan Sebastian Elcano's diary. Nate agrees to help Victor (Sully) find Sam.

Sully and Nate go to an auction to steal a golden cross linked to the Magellan crew, and there starts your classic action-adventure film, with clear nods to Indiana Jones and the Tomb Raider films.

Tom Holland is excellent as the lead, and Mark Wahlberg is just ageless.

Although the film is roughly 1 hour 50 minutes, it did feel longer, but that doesn't mean it dragged, as it didn't, I just feel like this should have been a 90-minute film.

The action scenes are all well done, the visual effects are top quality, and despite a few silly moments in the final big scene, this is a thoroughly good movie, that needs to be seen on the big screen.

The Good

Big budget, big action, big stars, what more could you want,

The Bad

The film would be better if it was a little shorter, I blame the director!

Overall

This is the kind of film I love; I know it is full of clichés, I know it is the type of story you have seen a hundred times before, and I know you will roll your eyes at some parts, but with that said, I still enjoyed it.

I score Uncharted a solid 8/10

Watch at https://amzn.to/3MK8es3

REVIEW: The Contractor (2022) - Starring Chris Pine, Ben Foster, Gillian Jacobs, Eddie Marsan, J. D. Pardo, Florian Munteanu, and Kiefer Sutherland

Review by Jon Donnis

I am not quite sure how they managed this, but they took a film with a decent sized budget, paid some big name actors to appear, and then made a film that comes across as if it was a low budget Bruce Willis or Mel Gibson film.

Chris Pine stars as James Harper, he finds himself involuntarily discharged from the United States Army Special Forces due to his use of narcotics to treat a nasty knee injury. With no income after losing his pension and a dodgy knee, Harper contacts his friend Mike (played by Ben Foster) who works with a private military company run by fellow veteran Rusty Jennings (played by the always entertaining Kiefer Sutherland). Now it is worth noting for Kiefer fans, that he isn't in the film much, which is such a shame, because when Kiefer has good writers behind him, he has shown consistency in putting in awesome performances, sadly in The Contractor he is given something of a side role.

Anyway, Rusty runs clandestine operations for the US Department of Defence and Harper signs on for a mission in Germany. Rusty gives an advance of $50,00 to Harper, so he can pay off his debts, and off Harper goes to Germany.

Hollywood sure does like their cemetery shots

In Germany Harper tracks a middle eastern scientist called Salim (Fares Fares), and gathers what information he can. Rusty informs the team that Harper is a part of that Salim is working for ISIS, and is developing a chemical weapon and to take him out and retrieve all of the work done by Salim.

Before you know it, there is cross after double cross, Harper is on the run, and the film then plays out.

Chris Pine plays his part ok, nothing memorable, but not bad by any means. The problem is that the film is just a bit dull. As I said it is like watching a low budget film, but with a few high budget moments thrown in. The film has bombed at the cinema, which I think is a bit harsh. I just think that they could have easily made the exact same film but instead of a budget of $50m, it could have been done for $10m or less, and the viewer wouldn't really have known the difference.

Kiefer Sutherland with his cool beard!

The Good

The action scenes, shoot outs etc are all ok, pretty standard Hollywood stuff these days. Chris Pine plays his part well, and what little we see of Kiefer Sutherland is very welcome.

The Bad

It is all just a bit predictable and in parts dull.

Overall

A huge budget for what should have been a straight to digital release.

Not bad by any means, but expected much more.

I score The Contractor a disappointing 6/10

REVIEW: Agent Game (2022) - Stars Dermot Mulroney, Adan Canto, Katie Cassidy, Jason Isaacs, Mel Gibson, Barkhad Abdi, Rhys Coiro, Annie Ilonzeh, and Matt Riedy

Review by Jon Donnis

With Bruce Willis having to take a back seat due to his health, Mel Gibson seems to be the man to step up and take his seat in the "Low Budget, hardly in the film" chair.

The basic synopsis of Agent Game is as follows

"A CIA officer finds himself the target of a rendition operation after being scapegoated for the death of an interrogation subject."

The film starts off with Mel Gibson sat on a bench in the middle of the day, on a quiet street. He sees something, which has him reach for his gun and start shooting at an unknown target. This is also the very final scene of the film, but with added context.

The film does seem to jump between multiple timelines, which adds to the confusion.

CIA Operators Harris and Bill played by Dermot Mulroney and Jason Isaacs answer to the mysterious Olsen character played by Gibson. They are at a black site interrogating Omar (Barkhad Abdi). Omar and his group are connected to terrorism, but Omar is seemingly unaware.

These people will kidnap targets and then move them out of the country.

Another group have orders to kidnap Harris.

As the timelines catch up with each other, I was left a bit confused as to what was going on. Although answers are given towards the end, they were not necessarily to questions I was asking.

It doesn't help that the vast majority of the film seems to be in near darkness. Which made things even harder to follow. This dialog heavy film does have its moments however, towards the end there are some nice explosions, and the action scenes are well done, I would assume this was filmed during the pandemic, and as such actors were kept separate and filmed in chunks, which was then spliced together for the final cut. And with a low budget, it does seem they chose to spend most of the money on a decent cast, as opposed to the actual story or filming. I understand why they did this, but I think that taking your chances with an unknown cast, and spending your money on some lights so we can see what's going on, and better, longer action scenes is worth it in the long run.

The Good

The acting is all solid, everyone involved are professionals, and you will recognise most of them from the typical police procedural tv shows like NCIS, CSI, and stuff like that. Mel Gibson of course is the main name, and is the main draw for the film. Shame he isn't in it much.

The Bad

It's just too dark. I had to close curtains, and turn brightness on TV just to see what was going on. The story is overly confusing at times too.

Overall

Agent Game is one of those films that you have to give excuses to because of the low budget and circumstances of the filming.

You will watch this film once, maybe twice to figure out what actually happened.

I score Agent Game is middling 5/10

REVIEW: The Batman (2022) - Starring Robert Pattinson, Zoë Kravitz and Jeffrey Wright

Review by Jon Donnis

Do you remember A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), when they tried to reboot the Freddy Krueger character and films, but took away everything that make him likeable? Well this is what they have done with The Batman.

First off, the story, Robert Pattinson stars as The Batman, we all know his history so pointless repeating it. A sadistic killer known as The Riddler begins murdering political figures in Gotham City. Detective Batman decides to investigate, and uncover the truth behind the corruption in the city and his own family's involvement.

Robert Pattinson does his best Batman voice, but never quite pulls it off. Zoë Kravitz as Catwoman has lost all of the sex appeal of previous Catwomen, don't get me wrong, she looks great, wears the nice outfits, but she has lost that something extra that Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry, and Anne Hathaway all were able to portray. 

Paul Dano plays The Riddler, but gone are the fancy suits and enigmatic personality, and in comes a sadist weirdo in a raincoat. Colin Farrell is The Penguin, but you would never know it was Colin Farrell, nor would you know it was The Penguin if they didn't tell you. He is just another gangster type. No monocle, top hat and umbrella.

There is no real threat to the city or the world, just a man in a suit, beating up muggers, solving a few crappy riddles and that's about it.

The film has no character, it is not a superhero film, you cannot imagine Superman turning up. None of the characters whose names you will be familiar with, have anything about them that is in the least bit interesting. The sad thing is that this film will make a fortune, purely by trading off the good will of the Batman franchise, the name, the history. And thinking back to A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), that film was the highest grossing film in that franchise's history. Yet no one thinks back fondly of it and there is no demand for another film in that new reboot's timeline.

The Batman is a dull film, in appearance and story, it might as well be in black and white for the lack of colour going on. There is a popular internet meme that compares the different Batman iterations over the years, with the joke being that each film got darker, until all you got was a black screen. I wonder if a black screen would have had more life in it than this.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, the film is 3 hours long. You get the impression that the Director just thought "screw it, nothing is going on the cutting room floor, include everything"

The Good

If you are struggling with insomnia, this film might help you drop off.

The Bad

They took a great franchise, with an incredible history, cast the worse possible, lifeless actor to play the lead, and churned out a 3 hour snore fest. 

Overall

I am sure there will be comic book nerds with their neckbeards saying how accurate this film is compared to the comics, or some nonsense like that, but for your average viewer who wants an escape from reality, I imagine many people will hate it.

I score The Batman a very poor 3/10

In cinemas now!

REVIEW: Father of Flies (2022) - Starring Nicholas Tucci

Review by Jon Donnis

Father of Flies is a psychological horror from director Ben Charles Edwards.

We are introduced to a family in America, the father of the family Richard, played by the late Nicholas Tucci, has broken up with his wife Linda (Sandra Andreis), who is having a hard time with mental illness. He invites his pregnant girlfriend Coral (Camilla Rutherford) to move in with him, and his children in his house in the mountains. Coral is pregnant and soon to be Michael (Keaton Tetlow) and Donna's (Page Ruth) stepmother.

For some reason Coral likes to wear a super creepy face mask, that makes her look more like Michael Myers than anything, but this is what women go through as part of their beauty regime, or so I am told.

The children are unhappy, Michael has hearing issues and is terrified of monsters under the bed, Donna is a rebellious teen going out with her boyfriend, and doing the usual teen things, and they both hate the new set up with Coral, and as she moves in, that is when things go from bad to worse, as a supernatural entity seems to come with her.

Coral is a cold and unloving person, and clearly lives the clichéd evil stepmother persona well.

The young Michael is the star of the film though, and his performance is what really drags the viewer in. And there is a great scene where he is talking to his dad while in bed, and frustratingly they give that scene away in the trailer! Why would you do that? It is such a well filmed scene, don't give it away for free.

The Good

The way the film is shot is excellent, the loneliness, the bleakness really comes through, and with a story that is as old as time, a mother being replaced, unhappy kids, it is something that many people can relate to, or understand.

The jump scares are well done, and you won't see them coming, which is the whole point. The character of Coral is super creepy, and you could argue that the added supernatural element is not really needed.

The Bad

Some scenes feel rushed, and with a very short run time of about 73 minutes, this really shouldn't happen. Also some scenes are painfully dark, in that it is hard to see what is going on. 

Overall

A decent psychological horror, that will have you jump out of your seat more than once. 

I score Father of Flies a decent 7/10

On UK digital 11 April 2022 - Watch at https://apple.co/3jkXT9f

REVIEW: The Tender Bar (2022)

Review by Jon Donnis

George Clooney directs The Tender Bar; a slightly yellow tinted film, that is an adaption of a 2005 memoir by JR Moehringer. 

The film follows Moehringer's life from being a young boy in the 1970s, living with his single mother at his home in Long Island, and as he grows up, through school and college to his first job in New York City, and all the struggles of life along the way, from family issues, to school and work, and of course love.

JR is played by Daniel Ranieri early in the film, and starts off following the move back to the family home due to money problems. After splitting with her partner, JR's mother (Lily Rabe) bounces back and forth to the care of her father played by the always fantastic Christopher Lloyd and her mother (Sondra James), to help with raising JR. Throw in Uncle Charlie (Ben Affleck) who runs the local bar and you have a nice setting to tell some interesting stories.

There is narration (Wonder Years style) by Ron Livingston who is future grown up JR. Seems a bit pointless to me to have narration, but it is an easy way to explain things when the director is feeling lazy, I guess.

Uncle Charlie (Ben Affleck) comes in as one of the more important influences on JR as he grows up, teaching him how to steer a car, as well as introducing JR to the locals at the bar, who tell stories too.

Tye Sheridan takes over the role when we fast forward to high school as JR finds himself chasing the dream of getting into Yale University and becoming a lawyer. The film is nonlinear, so there is some back and forth and the narration helps to explain things.

For a coming-of-age story, it can all get a bit melodramatic at times, and bit too serious, usually in scenes featuring JR's alcoholic father, who reappears in his life every so often.

The film has a warm and relaxing feel, and at under 2 hours, it never feels too long.

The Good

Wonderfully filmed, and it is rare these days to get a nice relaxing film, that tells some good stories.

The Bad

Some parts of the film feel quite slow, and then the end feels a bit rushed.

Overall

Not my usual type of film, I prefer films with a bit more action, but this was an ok film. You will watch it once, feel good, and then never think about it again.

I score The Tender Bar an unforgettable 6/10

In cinemas now, and on Amazon Prime - https://amzn.to/34D7gg5

REVIEW: Death on the Nile (2022) - Starring Kenneth Branagh as Poirot

Review by Jon Donnis

The Renowned detective Hercule Poirot is back, in what is the 3^rd version of the Death on the Nile story by Agatha Christie. Kenneth Branagh once again takes on the role of the man who no one can quite pronounce his name. 

The start of the film sees a young Poirot in World War 1 helping his unit attack the enemy, but a trip wire ends up being activated and a fellow solider gets blown up, and Poirot finds himself with a mutilated face. While being treated by his fiancé, Nurse Katherine (Susannah Fielding), she tells him that he can grow a moustache to hide his scar. Sadly, she dies in WW1, and we quickly jump to 1937.

Poirot finds himself watching a blues singer, Salome Otterbourne (Sophie Okonedo), he sees Jacqueline "Jackie" de Bellefort (Emma Mackey) dancing with Simon Doyle (Armie Hammer).  Jackies childhood friend Linnet Ridgeway-Doyle Gal Gadot) enters the scene and is introduced to Simon, and now we have pretty much been introduced to the main cast.

Quick look at the official synopsis:

"Renowned detective Hercule Poirot is off on a relaxing retreat to Egypt, where he meets his friend Monsieur Bouc. He offers Poirot to join him and his mother at his friend's post-wedding celebration. Poirot arrives at the hotel and recognizes the newly married hosts: Linnet Ridgeway and Simon Doyle. Six weeks ago, he had seen Simon Doyle with his fiancé Jacqueline at a nightclub. Jacqueline had introduced her fiancé to her best friend: Linnet. Poirot scoffs at how love took its turn in a short period. Bouc introduces Poirot to all the passengers on the cruise:"

And as is always the case we then get a murder, and it is up to Poirot to figure out who committed the crime, and make sure the murderer faces justice.

As with all of the Poirot films and TV episodes, you know what to expect, they are always well acted and well written, and I have found that someone's enjoyment of a film comes down to if you like the actor who plays Poirot or not.

There have been a number of actors to take on the part, but I think we can all agree that David Suchet is the best, and probably the one that most people associate with the role. Peter Ustinov also played the role well. The other actors I don't care to even mention, so that leaves us with Kenneth Branagh, a super talented actor. HOWEVER, I just hate him as Poirot. His accent is terrible and makes it hard to understand him. He just does not fit the rule. 

Death on the Nile is a big budget film, with an all-star cast, loads of big names, a beautiful setting, a famous story. All the ingredients are there for this to be a great film. But Branagh just isn't Poirot.

The Good

Wonderful talented cast, well made film, everything is there for an enjoyable murder mystery film.

The Bad

I can't stand Kenneth Branagh as Poirot. Simple as that.

Overall

This is a good film, but I have this barrier of not enjoying Kenneth Branagh as Poirot. If you like him as Poirot, then you will enjoy the film. I don't, and I didn't

I score Death on the Nile a fair 7/10 (I give this a decent score, because I accept my enjoyment of the film is based on my own opinion on who plays the role of Poirot, and not necessarily everything else in the film)

Out on April 13th at https://amzn.to/3LPRvTr

REVIEW: The Bubble (2022) - Starring David Duchovny, Karen Gillan, Keegan-Michael Key, Pedro Pascal and Leslie Mann

Review by Jon Donnis

Imagine if you will a film that has loads of big-name comedy actors and actresses, a film with successful comedians, a ridiculously plot line that promises hilarity, but then a script that forgets to include a single funny joke? Well there is no need to imagine, because we have The Bubble, Netflix latest film, a film that promises it is a comedy, but failed to make me smile once throughout the 2 hours plus run time.

The plot goes something like this, in the English countryside at a big fancy mansion, a Producer called Gavin, played by the usually brilliant Peter Serafinowicz, prepares his staff for the arrival of a bunch of big-name actors, who are coming to film the sixth movie in the Cliff Beasts action film series. The problem is that there is a pandemic going on, so everyone needs to keep in the bubble, and protect themselves and others from the virus.

We have actress Carol Cobb (played by the gorgeous Karen Gillan) coming to join the movie, along with Lauren Van Chance (Leslie Mann), Dieter Bravo (Pedro Pascal), Dustin Mulray (David Duchovny), Sean Knox (Keegan-Michael Key), Howie Frangopolous (Guz Khan).  The fact they gave a British Pakistani Muslim a Greek name is horific casting, and beyond offensive.

Once everyone has arrived and completed their 14-day quarantine, the "comedy" is supposed to begin. Sean Knox (Keegan-Michael Key), tries to recruit people to join his cult, Dieter Bravo (Pedro Pascal) keeps trying to have sex with everyone, Dustin and Lauren have relationship problems, and I couldn't care less about anything going on in this movie. Not the real movie, or the movie they are desperate to finish in the film.

This film is the result of super rich, elite people, trying to make light of a real-world issue, that never in any way threatened them or their livelihoods, and that is the problem. Although the film is trying to take the piss out of itself, and Hollywood, it does the opposite, by the very fact they were able to make the movie with a huge budget.

You will feel no emotional connection with any of the characters, you won't be able to relate to any of the struggles on camera, and you won't laugh at a single disastrous attempt of a joke.

When you have the amount of talent available, that this film has, and then you write a soulless script, then you deserve to be mocked, and you deserve to fail. The fact that any of these big names signed on to this film in the first place, either proves they never read the script, or they are only interested in a quick pay day. Not a single actor in this film will want The Bubble to be on their CV.

The Good

The UK taxman got to collect something from the people making this film.

The Bad

The film and the performances.

Overall

AVOID this film. Truly awful.

I score The Bubble on Netflix a 0/10

Does not even deserve a link to the page.