Tuesday 11 January 2022

REVIEW: Eternals - Starring Richard Madden, Salma Hayek & Angelina Jolie

Review By Jon Donnis
I wanted to watch Eternals when it first came out, but the bad reviews kind of put me off, so I thought I would wait until it was released for home viewing, so that I could watch it in peace.

I wish I hadn't bothered.

The film is terrible, the worst Marvel film ever released. Seriously, it is just as bad as everyone told me it would be.

The main thrust of the film is that we have a new team of Super Heroes, but we have never heard of them before, because they are supposed to just let things happen on earth and not get involved, for example when Thanos wiped out half the population in The Blip / The Snap, they just stood by and watched. Already I hate them. The film goes back and forth in the history of the characters, and in doing so shows them directly interfering with humanity making the whole point of them not interfering, which we are told early in the film, completely pointless.

Anyway, after getting rid of "The Deviants", weird alien creatures, they decide to live as humans for a few thousand years, and when The Deviants re-emerge, then The Eternals meet back up to take care of them. You see the Eternals are old, very old, God like figures, but they are not really Gods, they were created by alien, God like creatures, so really, they are synthetic life forms. The Deviants were created first by the God like aliens, as a way to destroy life on the planet, so that more intelligent life could evolve in its place. The Deviants then evolve themselves, and start killing intelligent life, so The Eternals are created to take care of The Deviants. 

The story is so convoluted and ridiculous, and full of holes, and because anyone who is not a comic book nerd, will have no idea who any of the multitude of characters are, they have to tell these deep stories about each of them.

Unlike previous Marvel films that would take one character at a time, before throwing them all into a film together, this film does the opposite and it suffers for it.

And then there are the characters themselves. This is a 100% woke tick box effort. Think of a minority, and it will be represented badly here. Never has a film shoved down your throat so many woke cliches in one go.

With all that said, Richard Madden as Ikaris is a decent character, he should have been allowed his own film, instead of just being thrown into this. Salma Hayek as the wise and spiritual leader Ajak is likeable, and Angelina Jolie as the fierce warrior Thena is also interesting. But these three are interesting in part because they are recognisable actors, so carry that gravitas with them. The rest of the characters are instantly forgettable and rather unlikeable. And in many ways The Deviants were actually helping stop the destruction of the planet, by eating people and keeping the population down!

Ever notice how the bad guys in Marvel films are always the ones saving the planet through depopulation? They are the Bill Gates of the Marvel Universe!

The Good
This is a tough one. Angelina Jolie's suit is nice.

The Bad
EVERYTHING. The fact this film has made a profit is purely down to it being a Marvel film and that having some good will with fans, but a lot of that will be lost after this film. Poor direction, uninspiring dialog, shoehorned in woke scenes, nonsensical plot points.

2 and a half hours I will never get back. The worst Marvel film ever made. Simple as that.

I score Eternals 3/10. A point for Richard Madden, Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie, of whom I am fans of all three. But to be honest I would rather see them in Bruce Willis' next B movie than this rubbish.